“Our agency agreement is terminated.”
Those words are the period on the end of a three-year sentence: one year to get the agent, one year to work on Blood Orchids to her satisfaction, one year to try to sell it. This last year was the hardest one, as I follow industry trends and wait wait wait “on sub”, a state every other author I've read or talked to calls “agonizing.”
And now, we've pulled the plug on trying to get a book deal with a major publisher. She's given back any rights to my books and they're “mine” again. Wooo.
I'm sad–sad to have tried so hard and “failed.” I don't like that feeling. Never have, never will.
Giddy–a world of new possibilities opens up. I have not one, but TWO finished books in my series, and a third in editing, and a fourth being planned. I can do it myself, or work with a small press and get my books out into the world, finally!
Terrified–I can do it myself, or work with a small press and get my books out into the world, finally!
As a therapist, I often find I have to eat my advice to clients the very next day, sometimes the next hour. This is one such time. Yesterday, working with a depressed divorcing client, I explained the Cognitive Behavioral Model and the role of emotions as indicators and precursors to decisionmaking. It seemed clear, then, a drawing I did for him on a whiteboard.
Today, I cringe to think that emotions and thoughts (at least about the big things in life) are ever that simple. It takes real courage, real fortitude, to sort your way through them and find a right path–and even then, what is “right?” My last three years were part of that path, but if I'd known how it would end, would I have walked that way?
Probably not.But, it is what it is, and in the end I know my books are better for it.
Only one thing is clear right now: I'm getting those books out, sooner rather than later. And more will be revealed.