Some of you may know I hired a consultant to help me “build a platform” (recommended by agent) for my writing. I wasn't sure what a platform was, let alone how to build one (other than whining to my ohsohandyhubby) so I hired the awesome Peter Liu, internet consultant/social networking dude http://kaiscapes.com/ to help me. He showed me how to do this (isn't it awesome) blog and website, talked with me about “branding” and “name recognition” and said I needed to get out there on Twitter.
So I did. I have spent inordinate amounts of time Twittering, to dubious effect. It's hard to say if I've had even one visitor from Twittering read these stellar and riveting blogs. People who do tend to be people who know and pity me, who owe me favors, or for whom I'm diligently commenting on their stellar/riveting blogs in a mutual backscratching manner.
HOWEVER: on Twitter, I've discovered the hilarious and totally inappropriate Title contests run by an anonymous and redoubtable mystery literary agent, @SlushPileHell. Each week he puts out a new “contest” with a “hashtag” (which means, random crazy people post things with this hashtag and it shows up in a clump you can read through) Last week it was #badkiddybooks, the worst book titles you could think of for children.
I was inspired. My creative juices flowed freely in a wild bout of inappropriate humor. I made the Top 25 list out of around 1200 entries with my epic title,
Why Do Grandma's Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not To Ask Out Loud) @tobywneal
Here are the top 25 for your reading pleasure:
Our WINNER was: @MJsRetweet: Daddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s Congrats to @MJsRetweet!
And here are the rest of the Top 25 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS…EVER, in no particular order:
@SmolderingInk: The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink
@LynetteCurtis: Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody
@harleymaywrites: Is Angelina My Mommy?
@C_Spaghetti: Where the Wild Thongs Are
@Janet_Reid: The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids
@AVgrl: Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell
@KateHaggard: Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand
@SarahEGlenn: The Secret Pot Garden
@Smolderingink: Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang
@Prettyandi: Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies
@Shelltex: Math Will Make You Ugly
@Juniperjenny: The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool
@Thericeman: All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story
@MJsRetweet: The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)
@alc417: A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone
@FrozenGlitter: It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More
@jjdebenedictis: You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty
@KarlShoemaker: Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway
@Tobywneal: Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)
@SarahEGlenn: You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens
@GeneDoucette: Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon
@Saraheolson: Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us
@EliasSerulle: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning
@LynneKelly: Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits
Today's contest is called #selfhelpfail. I submitted five entries, all utterly hilarious in my opinion.
The other thing I found on Twitter was this:
The true value and purpose of the Internet, revealed
This, for me, completely summed it up. I obviously need to do a blog on Cats.
For now, I'll wait to see if my original and clearly blockbuster title,
“If You Didn't Piss Me Off I Wouldn't Hit U Bitch- Rationalizations That Work” wins the top 25 Selp Help Fail booktitles contest. Or maybe it will be:
“The Mythical Hot Female Gamer Chick- An Expose for Dudes Who Dream”
Oh SHOOT. I just got a Twitter. The ‘contest' is over, and I didn't win this time. Here are the top 25:
Congrats to the WINNER!
@TheresaMarieP: A Hypochondriac’s Guide to the REAL Diseases You Need to Worry about and Their Symptoms
And the rest of the TOP 25, in no particular order:
@alexandradonald: He’s Just Way Too into You: Learning to Love Your Stalker
@spencerseidel: 50 Ways to Avoid Your Intervention
@Billjonesjr: Mensa for Dummies
@larazielin: Who Moved My Cheek? Your Guide to Plastic Surgery Transformation
@cathy_bryan: How to Text and Drive Faster: The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need
@NovelistCindy: Crushing Dreams and Cashing In: How to Become a Literary Agent
@Juniperjenny: Make Yourself Ironic!: From Redneck to Hipster in Five Easy Steps
@WritingAgain: The Fine Art of Overreacting: How to Make Your Coworkers Fear and Shun You
@KatieAlender: The Arrr of War: The Pirate’s Guide to Victory in Battle, Business, and Life
@BleedingSweat: Redneck Acupuncture: A Self-Help Guide to Ya’llternative Medicine
@Figmentfiction: No, No. YOU’RE Right. You’re ALWAYS Right: How to Be More Passive Aggressive
@RandyTayler: The OTHER Secret: So Secret Not Even the First Secret Knows about It
@Dogfaceboy: Eats, Shoots, and Leaves: A Dating Guide for the Man Who Fears Commitment
@DeadlyAccurate: Breaking His Spirit: The Nagging Wife’s Guide To The Perfect Husband
@hkranch: Narcissism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
@Querypolitan: Marriage with a Muggle: What To Do When She Discovers Your Magic Wand, and Other Helpful Tips
@prettyandi: Why SELF-Help?: How to Get Someone Else to Do it For You
@carpediem1991: Eat, Pray, Love, Eat, Pray, Love, Eat, Pray, Love: How to Overcome an OCD.
@ZubZub: Hacking your Pacemaker: A Guide to Overclocking for Better Stamina
@MelissaEcker: Talking to Jews: Mel Gibson’s Guide to Interfaith Dialogue
@thxithink: The 12 Steps to Overcoming Your Fear of Stairs
@realsmivey: Do It You’re Self: A Guide To Self-Publishing
@loysboy: Rosetta Stone’s Speaking in Tongues
@TPRJones: Don’t Buy This Book!: How to Kick the Self-Help Habit
Well anyway, so far Twitter is fun. And a GREAT timewaster. Anybody care to contest this?
Oh Toby–I nearly rolled on the floor with laughter and can’t wait to read this to my husband!
And guess what I just joined twitter too! I’ll follow you if you follow me! We could write a book…A girl’s guide to twittering together…..mmmm…or not!
hee hee Lets DO IT. Or at least Tweet about it. We could do our own ‘hashtag’ or something.
Hey, I was a finalist in the #badkiddybooks? I didn’t know that! (I am @FrozenGlitter). I find that twitter is great for various creative projects: writing novels, acting out plays, etc. In the works are various other collaborative projects like a cooking blog and book, film, and music clubs. If you follow enough people who are all following eachother, it becomes like a giant, portable chat room. I’m sure it has millions of other uses too, but I love it mostly for the communication and potential to be a form of entertainment.
Amen to that. Well I guess I officially had someone read from Twitter! YAY! Nice to meet you, Jill!
It can’t just be a blog on cats now… gotta be lolcats. 😀
Oh too funny!
Toby, I encourage you to keep on Tweeting and engaging in it. Some of the best contacts I have came from Twitter. It is a great networking place. One you’ve establish your presence there, especially with the niche you want to be in, you’ll see how it’s so beneficial to be there.
How often do you tweet? The more, on different times of the day, the better 🙂
Aloha,
Liza
P.S. love your blog; keep blogging as well 🙂
I think Twitter is productive…I’ve met writers, and bloggers, and made good buddies that will hopefully be good to me when I get published. 😛
But, yeah, it can be just for fun, too…for instance, I talk to a girl on there a lot who has a serious girl-crush on Kristen Stewart and talks about Twilight in the most perverted ways possible. xD And who knows what else…
Now, I HAVE wasted precious time on stuff like Sodahead and Yahoo! Answers…why? No idea.
These tweets were amazing, by the way. 😉
I ♥ @SlushPileHell. 😀
Signed,
An Addicted Tweeter
Be patient with Twitter and be yourself. Rome wasn’t burnt in a day. If you build it (the platform) they will come. Proof of that is that here I am, scratching your back and leaving a comment. Bookmarked your blog (Tried to join. Will keep banging my head there until I figure out how to make my picture appear in your followers gallery.) and will visit often.
Aloha,
Doug
Toby – You’ve hilariously captured how many people feel when they begin to tweet and blog. One thing’s for sure: you’ve found your voice – and its funny! As @Liz said, I’d encourage you to keep engaging with people whom you share something in common (biz or otherwise) on Twitter and soon you’ll be wondering as I did recently (on Twitter, natch) whether you should be checking email or Twitter first in the morning. Relationships that begin in Twitter often extend to real-life. I too have made friends, business contacts and even resources on Twitter. Besides, we tweeps need the voice of hilarious reason on occasion! Don’t look now, but you’ve gained another follower!
I think i just found my blog post for tomorrow! This was AWESOME! Thanks T! muah:-)