Some of you may know I hired a consultant to help me “build a platform” (recommended by agent) for my writing. I wasn't sure what a platform was, let alone how to build one (other than whining to my ohsohandyhubby) so I hired the awesome Peter Liu, internet consultant/social networking dude to help me. He showed me how to do this (isn't it awesome) blog and website, talked with me about “branding” and “name recognition” and said I needed to get out there on Twitter.

So I did. I have spent inordinate amounts of time Twittering, to dubious effect. It's hard to say if I've had even one visitor from Twittering read these stellar and riveting blogs. People who do tend to be people who know  and pity me, who owe me favors, or for whom I'm diligently commenting on their stellar/riveting blogs in a mutual backscratching manner.

HOWEVER: on Twitter, I've discovered the hilarious and totally inappropriate Title contests run by an anonymous and redoubtable mystery literary agent, @SlushPileHell. Each week he puts out a new “contest” with a “hashtag” (which means, random crazy people post things with this hashtag and it shows up in a clump you can read through) Last week it was  #badkiddybooks, the worst book titles you could think of for children.

I was inspired. My creative juices flowed freely in a wild bout of inappropriate humor. I made the Top 25 list out of around 1200 entries with my epic title,

Why Do Grandma's Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not To Ask Out Loud) @tobywneal

Here are the top 25 for your reading pleasure:

Our WINNER was:  @MJsRetweetDaddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s Congrats to @MJsRetweet!

And here are the rest of the Top 25 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS…EVER, in no particular order:

@SmolderingInk:  The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink

@LynetteCurtis: Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody

@harleymaywrites:  Is Angelina My Mommy?

@C_Spaghetti:  Where the Wild Thongs Are

@Janet_Reid:  The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids

@AVgrl:  Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell

@KateHaggard:  Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand

@SarahEGlenn:  The Secret Pot Garden

@Smolderingink:  Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang

@Prettyandi:  Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies

@Shelltex:  Math Will Make You Ugly

@Juniperjenny:  The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool

@Thericeman: All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

@MJsRetweet: The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)

@alc417: A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone

@FrozenGlitter: It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More

@jjdebenedictis: You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty

@KarlShoemaker:  Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway

@Tobywneal:  Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)

@SarahEGlenn:  You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens

@GeneDoucette:  Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon

@Saraheolson: Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us

@EliasSerulle:  One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning

@LynneKelly:  Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits

Today's contest is called #selfhelpfail. I submitted five entries, all utterly hilarious in my opinion.

The other thing I found on Twitter was this:

The true value and purpose of the Internet, revealed

This, for me, completely summed it up. I obviously need to do a blog on Cats.

For now, I'll wait to see if my original and clearly blockbuster title,

“If You Didn't Piss Me Off I Wouldn't Hit U Bitch- Rationalizations That Work” wins the top 25 Selp Help Fail booktitles contest. Or maybe it will be:

“The Mythical Hot Female Gamer Chick- An Expose for Dudes Who Dream”

Oh SHOOT. I just got a Twitter. The ‘contest' is over, and I didn't win this time. Here are the top 25:

Congrats to the WINNER!

@TheresaMarieP:  A Hypochondriac’s Guide to the REAL Diseases You Need to Worry about and Their Symptoms

And the rest of the TOP 25, in no particular order:

@alexandradonald:  He’s Just Way Too into You: Learning to Love Your Stalker

@spencerseidel:  50 Ways to Avoid Your Intervention

@Billjonesjr:  Mensa for Dummies

@larazielin:  Who Moved My Cheek? Your Guide to Plastic Surgery Transformation

@cathy_bryan:  How to Text and Drive Faster: The Last Self Help Book You’ll Ever Need

@NovelistCindy:  Crushing Dreams and Cashing In: How to Become a Literary Agent

@Juniperjenny:  Make Yourself Ironic!: From Redneck to Hipster in Five Easy Steps

@WritingAgain:  The Fine Art of Overreacting: How to Make Your Coworkers Fear and Shun You

@KatieAlender:  The Arrr of War: The Pirate’s Guide to Victory in Battle, Business, and Life

@BleedingSweat:  Redneck Acupuncture: A Self-Help Guide to Ya’llternative Medicine

@Figmentfiction:  No, No. YOU’RE Right. You’re ALWAYS Right: How to Be More Passive Aggressive

@RandyTayler:  The OTHER Secret: So Secret Not Even the First Secret Knows about It

@Dogfaceboy:  Eats, Shoots, and Leaves: A Dating Guide for the Man Who Fears Commitment

@DeadlyAccurate:  Breaking His Spirit: The Nagging Wife’s Guide To The Perfect Husband

@hkranch: Narcissism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

@Querypolitan: Marriage with a Muggle: What To Do When She Discovers Your Magic Wand, and Other Helpful Tips

@prettyandi: Why SELF-Help?: How to Get Someone Else to Do it For You

@carpediem1991:  Eat, Pray, Love, Eat, Pray, Love, Eat, Pray, Love: How to Overcome an OCD.

@ZubZub: Hacking your Pacemaker: A Guide to Overclocking for Better Stamina

@MelissaEcker:  Talking to Jews: Mel Gibson’s Guide to Interfaith Dialogue

@thxithink:  The 12 Steps to Overcoming Your Fear of Stairs

@realsmivey:  Do It You’re Self: A Guide To Self-Publishing

@loysboy:  Rosetta Stone’s Speaking in Tongues

@TPRJones:  Don’t Buy This Book!: How to Kick the Self-Help Habit

Well anyway, so far Twitter is fun. And a GREAT timewaster. Anybody care to contest this?

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